Everything
by Clarry
Summary: Sometimes all you have to do is open your eyes.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This takes place sometime in the first season of the show. I tried to keep it in line with showverse, except for Camille. I love her and I love writing her, but she didn't fit into this, so she doesn't exist.

As always, a huge thank you to my writing buddy kathrynew30. She was my cheerleader and my sounding board for this, and I probably wouldn't even be writing again if it wasn't for her. I owe her a big hug when I see her again.

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

"Alright, see you guys later. Have fun!" Logan calls out from the kitchen.

James watches the door close behind Kendall and Jo before racing to the bathroom to prepare for his own date. He thought Kendall would never finish in there, and now he only has an hour to get his hair perfect—a task that's much more difficult than anyone realizes. Normally he closes the door for optimal privacy but the scent of Kendall's aftershave (ha, there's a laugh, Kendall couldn't grow a mustache if he tried!) is overpowering.

As he turns to reach for his mousse, he notices a forlorn figure wandering from cupboard to refrigerator to pantry. "Dude, what are you looking for?" he asks.

Logan shrugs, hands slipping into his pockets. "I don't know. Something to munch on."

Glancing around after leaning out of the bathroom, James whispers, "Don't tell Carlos, but I stashed some Twinkies in my closet. Under the pile of bandannas. You can have a couple if you want."

"Thanks," Logan smiles, but his voice doesn't reflect the magnitude of this offering. "I might later."

"Logan. Dude. Twinkies. How often do I whore out my Twinkies?"

This brings a chuckle out of Logan. "James Diamond, Pimp of Twinkies everywhere."

"That sounds even worse than what I said. But go ahead, have a few. I know you won't steal the whole stash."

"Thanks," Logan says again, then leans back against the counter, hands still hidden in the pockets of his jeans.

James sprays some foam into his hand and is about to put it to use when it occurs to him that this is familiar—Logan wandering aimlessly as if bored, shoulders slumped. It's been happening a lot lately and James realizes now that it's usually on the weekend, though he assumed Logan was just missing home. They all do at times, especially Kendall.

The thought of Kendall brings it home-it's when Kendall goes out that Logan mopes.

Maybe the move has been harder on Logan than James realized. Being in a new place, surrounded by new people and new problems, can be scary. Without each other, they all would have cracked up by now. Over the past few months, though, the dynamic has shifted.. Logan and Kendall were inseparable in Minnesota, as were Carlos and James. James supposes it changed when Kendall started dating Jo and spending most of his free time with her rather than Logan. Carlos bonded with Katie quite a bit after the move, which left Logan to fend for himself because James was usually in the gym or by the pool. Mrs. Knight suggested to James at one point that he drag Logan along with him on his outings, and James had done so, Logan protesting the first few days. Eventually they'd become what they are now, which is basically best friends; and as Logan's best friend, James should have seen this sooner.

Logan misses Kendall.

A huge sigh escapes James; he knows what he has to do. He washes the mousse off his hands and dries them before stepping into the kitchen. "So, what you got planned for tonight?"

"Me?" Logan looks around. "Thought I'd study for that test next week. Maybe read ahead in our history book."

"Logan, come on. It's Saturday night! Get out and do something!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know! What's Carlos doing tonight?"

"We're going to Raging Waters!" an excited voice calls out. "Half-price after 4 P.M.!"

Both boys turn to see Katie in the living room, a towel tucked under her arm.

"Water parks are open at night?" Logan questions.

"This one is!" Carlos yells, bounding into the room in swim trunks and a tank top.

"How are you getting there?"

"Mom's taking us. She said she'll just chill by a pool with a book, but I'm determined to splash her enough that she gets wet anyway. Come on, Carlos, she's waiting."

"Wanna come, guys?" Carlos grins, eyes wide and inviting.

James opens his mouth to urge Logan to go, then remembers—Logan hates water parks. He's not a fan of shooting through a tube full of water at approximately one hundred miles an hour; the swirly slide is as adventurous as he gets. Though Logan would probably enjoy himself anyway, James doesn't want to push Logan into something that makes him uncomfortable. "Nah, you guys go ahead."

"You should go, James," Logan offers, but his eyes reflect a loneliness that eats away at James. "Or do you have a date?"

"Me? Date? Please. Not that girls haven't asked," he adds quickly. Gotta keep the image up. "But I didn't feel like going out tonight. I turned them down." James makes a mental note to call Christy and cancel the date.

"Oh. But you were getting ready to go somewhere, right?"

"Look, we gotta go before Mom gets out the bullhorn. Later!" Katie grabs Carlos by the wrist and pulls him out the door.

Logan smiles as he hears them arguing over who gets shotgun, the sound fading as they rush away. "James, were you going somewhere?"

"No. Just trying out a new hairstyle. I saw this swept back, sophisticated look I wanted to try," he lies, not even feeling guilty about it. "So what should we do tonight?"

"Like I said, I'm just gonna study for-"

"No, you're not. If I'm stuck at home with you for the evening, we're at least watching a movie or playing Foosball."

Logan smiles. "Alright, I guess."

James lets Logan handle the ordering of a movie and pizza while he escapes to break his date with Christy. Next week, he promises. After all, she _is_ popular and he's not going to let her go that easily.

Surprisingly, Logan orders a sci-fi movie. Most people would assume that Logan, science maven that he is, is a huge sci-fi buff. The truth is he can't stand most of them because the science involved is wonky and "That would never happen." He's ruined more than a few movies for all of them, reminding them how impossible the premise is. Logan knows how much James enjoys them, though, and so James assumes that's why Logan chose the movie he did, as well as a pizza with pineapple; Logan hates pineapple on his pizza. The gesture doesn't go unnoticed, and after the food is delivered James immediately picks up the phone to order a second pizza—extra pepperoni, the way Logan likes it.

Perhaps it's because Logan doesn't feel the need to prove his intelligence in any way around James, but Logan doesn't argue with the movie even once. Instead he relaxes, getting up halfway through to nuke some popcorn before returning to join James on the couch. Once the movie ends there is a Foosball challenge thrown down, and James finds that when Kendall and Carlos aren't around to crowd them, Logan plays rather well due to his quick reflexes. It's been a long time since James saw those reflexes in action, not since their last hockey game where Logan put in a complete shut-out performance at the net.

Saying goodnight to Logan a few hours later, James realizes that he had more fun tonight with Logan than he would have had with Christy. True, there was no making out, but you can't have everything, right?

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

_**The following Friday**_

_Just a little more gel, tweak it with the comb, and we have-_

"James, come on! You've been in there almost an hour!"

"So what, Kendall? You took forever last week getting ready for your date!" James yells through the closed door. Kendall can just wait.

"And now we're even! Jo's gonna be here in fifteen minutes! Please!"

That gives James pause. He sets down the comb and opens the door a crack. "Jo? You're going on a date again?"

"It's not like we get to do it often. We take what we can get. Now move over, at least share the mirror with me."

James bites his lip, considering. "Where's Logan?"

"Logan? I don't know. He was in the bedroom a few minutes ago while I was getting dressed. Now move over!"

James moves aside, breath coming out in a rush. "It's yours." He moves down the hall to the bedroom Logan and Kendall share, poking his head in. Logan is lying on his bed reading a book, except when James looks closer he sees that Logan's gaze is on the ceiling. "Hey," he says softly.

Logan's body jerks, the book falling aside. "You startled me!"

"Sorry. You got plans tonight?"

"Of course."

"Plans that don't involve books or homework?"

"Plans are plans, James. Just because it's not what you would do, doesn't mean it's not important."

James sighs, shaking his head. "Alright, get dressed. We're going out."

"We are?" Logan sits up, feet settling on the floor. "I don't think so. This chemistry homework-"

"Is something you can do in your sleep. Let's go see a movie. Or would you rather hang at the beach?"

"You have a date."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. I heard Christy telling Diane about it."

_Shit. _"She canceled."

"Christy?"

"No, Diane. Of course Christy!"

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No big deal. So what are we doing tonight?"

"Well...there is that new movie about the robots who try to starve us all to death."

James grins. "Sounds like my kind of movie."

Logan grins in return. "I'll be ready in ten minutes."

"Yeah, give me at least twenty. My hair's only half-done."

Logan rolls his eyes, but laughs. "Deal."

After canceling yet another date with Christy, James joins Logan in the living room. "Should we invite Carlos?"

"He's tagging along with Kendall and Jo."

"How did that happen?"

"I don't know, but Kendall's not too thrilled about it."

"Whatever. Let's go see some robots get their asses kicked."

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

"Well, well, well, what have we here?"

James looks up to see Kendall standing over him, Carlos hovering just behind. "Hey. Where's Jo?"

"Ladies' room. I didn't know you guys were coming to see the movie."

James glances over at Logan, who quickly answers, "Well, when you mentioned it, it sounded pretty interesting."

The pieces fall into place with a thud in James' mind. Logan brought him here on purpose. Because it's where Kendall would be. Perhaps there's more to this "missing Kendall" thing than James originally suspected.

"I asked if you wanted to come, Logan. You could've said yes."

"Nah, you were already annoyed enough with-" Suddenly remembering that Carlos is there, Logan changes tactics. "I figured you had enough on your hands."

"Can we all sit together? Move over, James. Hey! Can we sit where you guys are? Just move down a few seats?"

James glances past Logan to see an irritated couple glaring at Carlos.

"Thanks! Come on, Kendall!" Carlos bulldozes his way past James and Logan, leaving the couple no choice but to move.

Logan shakes his head at Carlos being so...Carlosian.

"I'm gonna go wait for Jo, so she can find us." One last glance at James, as if somehow this is his fault, and Kendall is gone.

"Why didn't you tell me they were coming here?" James whispers to Logan.

He shrugs. "I didn't know what showing they'd be at."

This is a lie, and even James can see that. He lets it drop, though, as Carlos is already babbling at Logan about some guy who tripped over his own feet, then had the nerve to yell at them. "He was yelling at his feet, guys! 'I can't take it anymore! That's the last time you trip me up! We're going home!' It was so funny!"

James barely focuses on the movie. Instead he furtively watches Logan, who is furtively watching Kendall and Jo. Hands are held and James feels Logan tense up next to him.

_Holy shit. It's worse than I thought. Logan, we need to talk_.

**XOXOXOXOXO **

Jo politely invites Logan and James to join them for ice cream after the movie, but James declines before Logan can even think to answer. Sensing that Kendall is about to ask if Carlos can go home with them, James blurts out, "Oh, Carlos! Try that new rainbow Gummi sundae we saw! Tell me how it is!"

When Carlos' eyes light up, James knows the job is done. He ignores the glare from Kendall and pulls Logan along by the sleeve.

"Are we going home?" Logan asks, glancing back over his shoulder.

"We're going for a drive. We need to talk."

James ignores all of Logan's questions until they're out on the highway, driving along the coast.

"What, James? What's going on?"

"You knew they'd be there."

"I wasn't positive, I mean I knew there was a-"

"You _knew _they'd be there."

Logan puffs out his breath. "So?"

"Why didn't you just go with Kendall in the first place?"

"Because Carlos was already going, and even if he wasn't—like I want to be a fifth wheel on Kendall's date? No thanks."

James isn't used to having to think this hard about what he says and how he says it. This is Logan, though, his best friend, and he can't say the wrong thing and mess it up. "Turn here," he finally says, and after a quick glance over, Logan does.

They travel down the dirt road about a mile, passing a few cars here and there, and James finally tells Logan to pull over and park.

"Where are we?"

"Make-out Mile."

"What?" Logan looks around with wide eyes, realizing what's going on in the cars surrounding them. "James! What are we doing here?"

"Relax, I'm not going to jump you." For a moment, James is able to smile, watching Logan blush and splutter. "Unless you want me to," he teases.

The flush that spreads over Logan's face is proof enough of what James has suspected. "You're not exactly my type," Logan attempts to joke.

"You mean, I'm not Kendall." When Logan's eyes start to bug out and he looks as if he's about to argue, James speaks more gently. "It's okay. I'm not gonna freak out."

Silence from Logan, but he can't meet James' gaze.

"That's what's going on here, right? I thought at first you just missed Kendall being around, but...you're actually in love with him, aren't you?"

Still no answer. Logan stares straight ahead through the windshield, arms crossed over his chest.

"Hey." James lays a hand over Logan's shoulder, feels how tense it is and squeezes lightly. "If you're gay, that's fine. I won't say anything."

"I'm not gay!" Logan finally turns his head to glare at James.

"No?"

"No! It's just Kendall! It's not like I'm attracted to every guy!"

"So you admit it about Kendall."

A bit more spluttering, and then Logan finally nods. "And...okay. Maybe I _am_ gay."

"Dude, nothing wrong with that."

"You know, out of everyone I know, I figured you would be the most freaked out about it."

"Me? Why?"

"Because. You're such a chick magnet. You're so..._you_. Worried about image. I didn't think you'd be cool with this."

"I'm cool with it because I'm your best friend. If it was Carlos telling me this, I'd probably tease him. A lot."

A tiny smile twitches Logan's lips.

"Why didn't you say anything?" James asks.

"I'm not proud of it. It's not like he even cares about me that way, or thinks like that."

"Still. You've been suffering over this for...how long?"

"Since seventh grade."

"What? Seriously? Dude. How did you keep it quiet for so long?"

"It was easy. Kendall never really dated until now. A few dates here and there, but nothing like Jo. He really likes her a lot."

James nods slowly. "He does. I'm sorry."

"It's just...I never thought he'd like me that way, but...I didn't think it would be this hard, either. Watching him fall for someone else."

The sadness in Logan's tone breaks James' heart. "Dude, I'm sorry. I don't know what that's like."

"Right, because everyone falls for you."

It isn't said with malice, but it still hurts. "No," James responds, squeezing Logan's shoulder again. "It's because I've never really loved anyone. Not like that. Crushes...there have been a lot of those. But not like what you feel for Kendall."

"I wish I didn't. It's ridiculous. Kendall is the least gay guy I know. He doesn't date a lot, but he sure does like girls."

James nods slowly. "I thought we all did. Were you just...pretending?"

Logan shrugs. "Not really. Some girls are pretty. I just can't imagine ever kissing them or making out with them, you know?"

"But Kendall, you can?"

Now Logan turns his face to the side, unable to even look at James.

"It's okay, Logan. I'm not making fun of you. And I won't say anything. You're hurting enough, you don't need to go through a bunch of embarrassment, too."

"Really?" Turning in his seat to study James, Logan finally says, "Since when are you so mature about things? Feelings and love and relationships?"

"I don't know. I guess I've watched my parents all my life and it showed me what I don't want. Yeah, I date girls all the time, and I'm always up for a good time with them, but I haven't met any yet that I want to see more than a few times. I get bored. Sometimes I think they're all the same."

"That's a problem with _you_, James. Not them."

"Maybe." James shrugs, not dwelling on it. "I always figure I'll know when I meet the right one. Kendall's looking for a lasting thing. I'm just having fun until the right one comes along."

"So...how do you know? What will the 'right one' be like?"

"I...well, I don't really know. I haven't thought about it too much. Someone I can hang out with for hours and not get bored. Someone who appreciates it when I look good. Because I put _a lot_ of effort into that, you know."

"Yes, I know," Logan chuckles. "But you always look good."

"Oh please, you've seen me when I first wake up. I do _not_ look good."

"You sure look a lot better than the rest of us. Even Mrs. Knight."

"Of course I do, but even that takes work. It's all about maintenance."

Logan rolls his eyes, but he's grinning. "So what else?"

It takes James a second to switch gears from his appearance to a prospective soulmate. "Um...someone who knows how to cook. Because I love to eat."

"This is true."

"I guess just somebody who will take care of me. You may not know this, but I can be a big baby when I'm sick."

"Oh, trust me. I know. Who always takes care of you when you're sick?"

James smiles. "Yeah, you make a great mommy."

"Shut up," Logan argues, but half-heartedly. He knows James is right. "You haven't said anything about her looks. Wouldn't she have to be gorgeous?"

"Not really. I wouldn't want a hideous girlfriend, but she can't be too gorgeous or I'd be competing with that all the time. She can't be prettier than me, right?"

Another roll of Logan's eyes. "Of course not."

"So...yeah. Fun to hang out with, cooks for me, thinks I look good, takes care of me. Is that a lot to ask?"

"I don't think so."

"Cool. I'll find her someday. In the meantime, I'm focused on the band and getting famous and living my dream."

"You know, you're not nearly as dumb as most people think you are. But I knew that."

"Thanks!" There's no sarcasm, James is honestly beaming from the compliment. "So what about you? What do you want in a...guy, I guess?"

After a long sigh, Logan mumbles, "Kendall."

"Aww, Logan." James unbuckles his seatbelt in order to lean over and wrap his arms around Logan's shoulders. "I'm sorry. He really does like Jo a lot."

"I know." Determined not to get mushy about it, Logan pushes James aside gently and turns on the car. "Let's go get ice cream."

"Oh, no. We are not stalking them on their date."

"No, somewhere else. How about that place by the boardwalk? They make their own waffle cones and give you like...four scoops."

"Ohhhhhh. Yeah. Nice." After buckling into his seat, James commands, "To the boardwalk, James!" When Logan glares at him, he grins. "I've always wanted to say that. And it's funny, because I'm the one named James!"

Logan chuckles; James is so silly sometimes.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

They walk the length of the boardwalk, slurping up ice cream while Logan talks about the phases of the moon and its effect on the tides. James always listens to lectures like these because they can be used later to make him sound smart with a date. It's worked in the past, anyway. He asks silly questions that don't seem silly to him, and Logan patiently explains why the moon can't really be made of cheese. They pass girls along the way, some pretty enough that James would normally make a point to meet, but out of respect for Logan's heartache he ignores them.

The evening ends with another Foosball tournament, and this time James is victorious. Kendall and Carlos arrive in time to catch the last few minutes, surprised when their offer to join in is rebuffed; Logan and James are both too focused and have a rhythm going. When it's over, the boys retire to their rooms for the night, remembering that they have an early call at the studio with Gustavo.

Carlos and James lie awake talking about the movie for a while, and James falls asleep thinking about Logan and everything he's going through. He wishes there was some way to help, some way he could take away Logan's pain, but really all he can do is be there and be a friend. Fortunately, he has no problem with that—hanging out with Logan is always a lot of fun.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This takes place sometime in the first season of the show. I tried to keep it in line with showverse, except for Camille. I love her and I love writing her, but she didn't fit into this, so she doesn't exist.

As always, a huge thank you to my writing buddy kathrynew30. She was my cheerleader and my sounding board for this, and I probably wouldn't even be writing again if it wasn't for her. I owe her a big hug when I see her again.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

_One week later_

Another Friday night and this time James waits to make a date-he needs to make sure Kendall isn't going out with Jo. When he asks, Kendall tells him there are no plans, so James calls up Christy, who is hesitant. James promises he won't cancel on her this time, and she finally agrees to go see a movie with him.

He dresses carefully, knowing what colors look best on him, and is considering whether to go with a leather or denim jacket when Carlos rushes in. "Dude!" Carlos whispers in excitement.

"What's up?" The leather makes him look like a rock star, but it's warm out and the denim will be more comfortable.

"Kendall's taking Jo to Make-out Mile tonight! He's hoping to get lucky!"

It doesn't get through to James at first. He's wondering if he should forsake his comfort to look good. Sacrifices do have to be made sometimes.

"Did you hear me? Kendall might go all the way tonight!"

"Hey, do you think denim still puts out a—wait, what? Kendall's going out tonight?"

"Yeah! He's taking Jo to Make-out Mile! That's what I'm saying!"

"What? But he told me he was staying home tonight!"

"Jo called and said she had the night free, so they're going out. I don't think they'll do it, I mean Jo's a nice girl and all, but he might at least get into her shirt."

"Fuck!"

The exclamation surprises Carlos because even though they all curse occasionally, there's no reason for James to be so angry about this. Unless... "Dude. Are you into Jo?"

"What? No! Ew! She's so not my type!"

"Then what's the problem?"

"Nothing, it's just..." James shakes his head, knowing he can't explain to Carlos. "Nothing." He tosses both jackets on his bed and picks up his phone. "Are you and Logan gonna hang out or what?"

"Nah, Logan said he's gonna watch some documentary about cells and...mito...something or other. Sounded like a disease. And after that there's a special about the planets."

"Oh, Logan. What about you? You staying home or going out?"

"I have a date," Carlos states proudly, chest puffing out.

"Wow, really?"

"Yes. Her name is Lucy and she likes hockey. That's good enough for me."

"Dammit. Alright." Stalking off to the bathroom, James breaks yet another date with Christy, knowing this was his last chance. She is understandably upset, but he can't feel too horrible about it. Logan needs him. That's what best friends do.

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

James finds Logan in the kitchen, wearing an apron and flipping through a book. "What are you doing?"

"_I_ am cooking dinner tonight."

"Rad! What are we having?"

"We? No, it's just me. I'm making Fettuccine Alfredo with chicken. Everything's from scratch except the pasta. Though if you want to try it, there will probably be enough left over so you guys can have some tomorrow."

"So I'm supposed to watch you eat and starve? I don't think so."

"What are you talking about? You're going out with Christy."

"Nope. Christy and I didn't exactly work out."

"What? Did she cancel on you again?"

"Something like that. So do I get to help you with dinner or what?"

"James, you can find another date. Just walk down to the pool, or even the lobby. In five minutes, you'll have a date. I guarantee it."

"I don't feel like going out tonight. Thought I'd just stay in, watch some TV."

"Well, I have dibs on the TV. If you stay here, you're stuck with the Discovery Channel."

James shrugs. "Whatever. As long as I get some of that chicken stuff."

Logan tilts his head, studying James. "You seem to be home a lot lately. Why aren't you out on dates?"

"I don't know. Just don't feel like it. I'm tired after being in the studio and working out all day."

"Okay." Logan isn't completely satisfied with that answer, but he drops it. "Here's what I'll need you to do. Stir the sauce."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. But it's not just stirring, it's stirring at a constant and without stopping and your arm will hurt after a while, but you have to keep going while I add more ingredients."

"My arm will not get tired stirring some sauce. Please."

"It involves muscles you're not used to using. Trust me, they will."

"These guns? No way."

"And you can't let it boil."

"What am I supposed to do, yell at it? 'Hey sauce, quit it! No boiling allowed!'"

Logan rolls his eyes. "Just keep your eye on it."

As it turns out, Logan is right. James tries not to show it, but his forearm gets tired fairly quickly. Logan senses it but keeps his mouth shut; it's helping him to have someone else here.

The meal is amazing, especially with the addition of garlic cheese bread that Logan whips up from a recipe, and they eat until their stomachs are stretched to bursting. "Dude. This...wow. Logan, this was really good. You should make dinner every night."

"No way. Mrs. Knight likes doing stuff for us when she can. She went out with some friends, though, so I thought it would be a perfect night to try out this recipe."

"Definitely. Let me know next time you want to cook, and I will cancel any plans I have just to be here. Totally worth skipping my date for this."

Logan's eyes narrow, having caught the wording of that. "Did you cancel the date?"

"Hmm?"

"With Christy. Did you cancel it?"

"What? No! It just didn't work out."

"How come?"

"Things got in the way. It's not gonna happen for us. No big deal."

"You found out Kendall was going out and you stayed home so I wouldn't have to be alone."

"Logan, please. Have you _seen_ Christy? I love you bro, but not enough to skip out on a date with her."

"No? So if I stole your phone and called her right now and asked, she'd say you didn't cancel on her?"

"Of course. But my phone's right here, so-" James freezes, eyes narrowing on Logan's face as he feels his empty pocket. "You took my phone." Damn those quick reflexes of Logan's.

"Got it right here." Logan holds it up with an evil smile.

"How did you do that?"

With a shrug, Logan states, "So I noticed there's a call placed to her right about the time you came in to help me with dinner. You're gonna tell me that wasn't you breaking the date?"

"Logan, come on."

"So I'm just gonna press 'send' now and...oh, it's ringing."

James flies across the table and grabs the phone, hanging it up fast. "Alright! Okay! I canceled! It's no big deal!"

"Yes, it is. How many other dates have you canceled because you feel sorry for me?"

"I don't feel sorry for you."

"Yes, you do. And it's nice that you care, but you have to live your life. Don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're hurting. And I don't like to see you that way. If there's some way I can make it easier for you, I'm going to."

"James, you need to go out and have fun. If you keep doing this, you'll start to resent me and blame me for missing out on everything."

"No, if I blame anyone, it'll be Kendall."

"It's not his fault," Logan says softly. "He can't help it if he doesn't love me."

James' heart cracks; he can't stand to hear Logan talk like that, to see the pain in those dark eyes. "It's his loss, Logan. I promise."

Logan shrugs. "Doesn't matter. We're talking about you. Quit staying home just for me. I can take care of myself."

"You act like I don't have fun with you, like it's torture. I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you."

"But it's not the same as being with a girl. Just...don't let me hold you back. We're friends, but we're allowed to live our lives."

"I know." Not knowing what else to say, James stands up and starts clearing away the dishes. Logan packs up the leftovers and they don't speak again until all the cleaning is done. "Well, I'm here tonight, so let's hang out and have a good time," James suggests.

"Alright. But I'm not gonna make you sit through the Discovery Channel. Even if you might learn something useful."

"I don't mind. We can watch that stuff."

"Nah. Let's play some Castle Smashers."

James' face lights up. "You're on! I'm so gonna get to the fortress before you."

"In your dreams."

**XOXOXOXOXO**

James learns his lesson that night. He asks no other girls out on dates, nor does he accept any offers he receives. Logan of course notices this, and considers calling James on it, but the truth is he's having too much fun spending time with James. Friday and Saturday nights become "date" nights for them, with Carlos tagging along occasionally, but most of the time it's just the two of them. They take turns choosing the way they spend the evening. Some nights it's the two of them at home, Logan cooking dinner while they follow it up with a movie and popcorn or a video game; other nights they go out, to a movie or a Kings game or the beach or even a drive up into the mountains because Logan wants to "feel closer to the stars."

James felt that they'd become best friends before the whole Kendall thing, but the more they talk and the closer they get, he realizes there's a lot about Logan he never knew. Logan never talked much about his parents' divorce and what it was like to be raised by a single mom, and he understands now why Kendall and Logan clicked so well; they come from similar backgrounds. The reason it's so important to Logan to become a doctor? His father is one. Logan's hesitancy to get into the ocean? His father forced him to as a child, determined to teach him how to swim; he almost drowned. This did nothing to cure Logan of his hero-worship of his father, though, who Logan rarely talks about.

So much about Logan begins to make sense, and it's not about being a sissy or afraid to try new things; it's simply that Logan _knows_ so much, understands how things work, and therefore knows how easily it can all go wrong.

After two months of this James doesn't even really think about dating anymore, and it's nothing conscious on his part. He prefers to spend the time with Logan and that's all there is to it. If anyone were to ask him why that is, he wouldn't know how to answer. And since no one does ask, he never gives it a second thought.

**XOXOXOXOXO**

They're checking movie times one Friday night when Kendall enters the room, noting that as usual, James and Logan are crowded around Logan's laptop.

"Hey guys, what movie are we seeing tonight?"

They had been bickering over whether to do Funburger before or after the movie, but now their voices are silenced. Both turn to look at Kendall, who has seated himself on his bed. "Garden Gnome Massacre," James answers cautiously. Kendall doesn't usually ask about their plans.

"Cool! I've been wanting to see that. What time?"

James can practically feel Logan's surprise. "That's what we're deciding. You want to come?"

"Better than sitting around here all night. Carlos going, too?"

"No, Carlos and Lucy have a date," James hints. "Don't you?"

"Jo and I broke up. She's too busy for me and I'm tired of it."

James looks over at Logan, wondering how he's taking all this. "Just like that? You're gonna give up on her?" James questions.

Kendall shrugs like it's no big deal, even though they all know how much he cares about Jo. "We've been having problems for a while. It was bound to happen, I guess."

"I'm sorry," Logan offers, and James knows him well enough to note that Logan truly is sorry that Kendall's hurting. Because no matter what Kendall says, they know this is hard on him.

"Whatever. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? So let's go see a movie and see if we can pick up on some ladies."

Three months ago, this would have seemed like the perfect way to spend an evening. Now it doesn't appeal to James in the slightest. Watching Kendall flirt with other girls isn't something Logan will enjoy, either. "Why don't we forget about chicks tonight and just have fun? A guys' night."

"Yeah! Let's go get pizza and maybe an arcade, or we can still do the movies. Whatever you want, Kendall." Because of course now Logan's trying to be there for Kendall, the way James was there for Logan. The irony is not lost on James.

"Cool! Pizza sounds good. And then we can hit the batting cages, knock out a few balls."

And just like that, Kendall is in charge again. It's not his fault, Kendall's always been the leader, so of course it's easy to fall back into the old pattern. Except lately there's been no leader, and James has kind of gotten used to that. He and Logan strike a good balance.

Seeing Logan's face at the prospect of spending time with Kendall, of it being just like the "old days," forces James to keep his mouth shut. It's worth it to see Logan happy.

Of course without Carlos there, the evening turns into Kendall and Logan re-bonding while James tags along. He hadn't foreseen that. He tries to keep in mind that this is what Logan's been wanting, this is what Logan has been missing for months, and yeah—James has missed Kendall, too. It feels good to hang out with the group again, albeit minus Carlos. Maybe this isn't so bad. The boys out on the town, raising hell. Get Carlos here, and it'll be just like old times.

But Carlos isn't here tonight, and James finds the whole thing a bit awkward. It's almost a relief to escape to his bedroom after returning home.

**XOXOXOXOXO**

James likes to sleep late on Saturdays, as it's their only day to get away with it, so strolling out of the bedroom at 1:00 P.M. is nothing new. After relieving himself he makes his way to the kitchen, not surprised to find Carlos and Katie watching TV, but Logan's absence from the kitchen table is new. Logan always spends Saturday morning and afternoon getting schoolwork done.

"James! Come see this! The big fish is gonna eat the little fish. Only the little fish isn't so little!"

James glances at the television while drinking milk straight from the carton, causing Katie to scold him. "Dude, you know Mom's gonna have a cow if she sees you. And so would Logan! He hates germs."

This is true, but Logan isn't here at the moment. Maybe he's not feeling well. James frowns after returning the milk to the refrigerator. "You guys seen Logan yet?"

"He and Kendall went to the zoo. Some new monkey exhibit?" This from Katie.

"Yeah, I wanted to go, but then Logan told me there probably wouldn't be any poop throwing. How lame is that?" Carlos asks.

"Oh." The monkey exhibit. Logan had been wanting to see that for two weeks. Something about how similar monkeys and humans are. They had in fact planned to go this afternoon, around three. Monkeys weren't James' favorite thing, but it might be fun. Besides, it was Logan's turn to choose, so it had been the zoo they'd settled on for today's outing.

Except he'd gone with Kendall instead. Without even bothering ask if James might want to go. Is this how things were going to be now that Kendall was "back" in their lives?

James returns to the bedroom, sitting on his bed for a long time and trying to decide if he has the right to be mad or not. After all, they used to do this all the time. Kendall and Logan were always taking off together, and it was no big deal. James would either hang with Carlos or do his own thing. And this was a good thing, Logan finally getting back to a close friendship with Kendall.

And yet...they had made plans together. Logan was basically dumping him for Kendall. Damn right, he has reason to be angry. He snatches up his phone and calls Logan, but it rings until going to voicemail. Probably too noisy at the zoo anyway.

"Fuck!" He stands up and paces the room.

This is crazy. There's no reason to be mad. Kendall and Logan have been best friends since fourth grade. Why would James think things had changed?

His phone rings, startling him. _Logan._ "Hey."

"Hey, did you call?"

"Yeah, where are you? I thought we were going to the zoo today." Of course he knows where Logan is, but let him say it.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about it. Kendall went with me instead. I know you really weren't looking forward to being around all the 'smelly animals' anyway. So now you're off the hook!"

Smelly animals? Shit, he _had_ said that. But that doesn't mean he didn't want to go! "I would have gone, Logan."

"I know. No big deal. Ow, Kendall, knock it off! Quit it!"

The sound of Logan giggling in a way that James knows Logan's really saying, "Do it again." "Okay, guess I'll see you later."

"We'll be home for dinner. I'm gonna cook that—oh, wait. We won't? Never mind, we won't. Kendall wants to take me to this deli he and Jo found by the beach. You guys are on your own for dinner."

And what, really, is there to say to that? James sits down on the bed again, stunned by feelings he doesn't recognize washing over him.

"James? Hey, I gotta go, the tram tour is starting. We're gonna see the wild animals now." A muffled growl comes through. "Shut up, Kendall, not you! Back off! Do not bite me again!"

James hangs up. He doesn't do it consciously, his hand just flips the phone closed as it drops from his ear. It rings about a minute later, Logan again, but James doesn't answer.

He's honestly not sure what he would say.

**XOXOXOXOXO**

Logan would expect James to go out and pick up a girl, maybe hit the gym first so he looks sweaty and hot when approaching the object in his radar. Because of this, James stays in and pouts. He wants Logan to understand that this is not okay, that even though it may be selfish of him to be so jealous, they had plans and Logan broke them without a second thought.

He tells himself to think of what Logan's feeling, the happiness that Kendall finally wants to hang with him again, but it doesn't work. Where was Kendall when Logan was missing him the past three months? When Logan was moping around the apartment, looking like a dog who's lost his master? It was James who was there. James who picked up the pieces and forced Logan to forget about Kendall.

Or so he'd thought.

He turns down an offer to join Carlos, Katie, and Mrs. Knight for pizza and ice cream. Instead he sits alone at the table, eating Oreos with milk until he feels like he's gonna puke. He flips channels on the television, stopping on things like the Discovery and History channels. He doesn't know why he's doing this to himself. He could easily go down to the lobby and find a date for the evening.

But those girls aren't Logan; no one is. And he doesn't want to follow that train of thought at all.

James keeps looking at the clock, checking his phone to see if there are any missed calls or text messages (even though he's had the phone at his hip all day). When it gets to be 10 P.M. and the boys aren't home yet, his irritation mounts. How long does it take to get dinner at a deli? The zoo closed at six (he knows this because he used Logan's laptop to check on that.)

The other three return home at about 10:30 to find him on the couch, still in his pajamas, looking dejected.

"James, are you feeling okay?" Mrs. Knight asks, walking over to feel his forehead.

"I'm fine," he bites out, trying not to go off on her. It's not her fault her son is a dick.

"Well, you feel alright. A little tense, though. I'm going to bed, let me know if you need anything. Night, guys." After giving Katie and Carlos a hug, she moves down the hall.

"You should've come with us, James! They had an arcade there. I beat Katie at Skee-Ball. And look, I won this big gorilla!"

It certainly is a big gorilla Carlos is holding, and finally James cracks a smile. "You should give it to Lucy. Tell her she can sleep with a big monkey every night in your place."

"I'm going to!"

"And for the record, Carlos did not beat me at Skee-Ball. He nudged my arm every time I had a turn, so I demand a rematch. With someone there to hold him back when I throw."

"Katie, come on! I beat you!"

"Not without cheating!" Katie flops down next to James, giving him a sideways glance when she notices what's on the screen. "You're watching a medical show? Really?"

"I find it educational and entertaining," James answers haughtily.

"I see. Carlos, I think it's time for bed. Race you to the shower!"

Carlos takes the bait and runs, howling and hooting the whole way there and even after the door is closed.

"You didn't even try," James comments.

"I didn't want to win. Listen, I know you miss Logan, but-"

"What? I don't miss Logan."

"James. You're watching a show about surgery. You don't even like the sight of blood."

"So? Maybe I'll need an appen—an appendage—an appendomy-oh, the appendix thing! Maybe I'll need one someday. Now I know what to expect!"

"James. Look at me. I know I'm only ten years old, but I get things. I get that you and Logan were best buds, and now Kendall stole him away again."

"He didn't steal anything."

"No? So you and Logan weren't supposed to go to that monkey exhibit together?"

"Katie, I'm not having this conversation with you."

"You have to tell him. That you wanted to go, that you're mad."

"I'm not telling anyone anything. I'm trying to watch TV, but some midget over here won't keep it down."

"Fine. But you should tell him. Otherwise he's just gonna keep hanging out with Kendall, leaving you out of it. At least get out of the house next time."

"I didn't feel like going out today."

"Whatever. You should get some sleep, don't you guys have to get up early? And we know you need your beauty sleep," Katie adds, rolling her eyes.

"What are you, my mom? And besides. Where _are_ they? It's almost eleven. Logan needs his sleep, too. You know how cranky he gets without it."

"But you guys will be in the studio, so I don't have to deal with it. Night!" With a cheery wave, Katie's off to her room.

He pouts. He thinks about what Katie said. He pouts some more. He watches the History Channel. The clock strikes midnight and now he just wants to cry. What if he was wrong? What if Kendall _does _have a gay side? Who better to go for than Logan?

"Back off, Kendall. He's mine," James growls under his breath, startling himself. What is he thinking? _He's_ certainly not gay. James Diamond? Gay? What a joke. It's all about girls for him. The thought of dating a guy, of holding hands with a guy (here his mind flashes a vision of Logan grabbing his hand with a shy smile), of kissing a guy (and now Logan again, cheeks red but leaning in for a kiss)...it's...laughable, isn't it?

Only it doesn't feel laughable. James' heart is pounding hard in his chest as the truth slams down over him. Kissing Logan wouldn't be horrible at all. It might actually be...nice.

But what is he thinking? Logan is his friend. His_ friend._ He wouldn't ever think of James as boyfriend material, right?

Logan _is_ gay, though. He _is_ in love with Kendall. His _friend_. So, in actuality, Logan _could_ love a friend.

_Just not me._

It hits him hard, so hard he has to stand up and walk, has to move. He storms out of the apartment and down to the lobby, where it's quiet and deserted thanks to a curfew he's now breaking. If Bitters spots him, he's toast. He heads out to the pool area, which is also deserted but now dark except for a tent that has a candle burning in it.

_Lovebirds taking their chances_, he thinks with a smile, but it fades when Logan crosses his mind.

_What is wrong with me? I can't love Logan. We're just friends. Best friends. Until Kendall comes around, anyway. Then I'm nobody._

One thing James has always been good at is feeling sorry for himself, and tonight is no exception. He lowers his body to a lounge chair and closes his eyes, intending to indulge in a full-on pity party, but a sudden giggle, followed by a "Shhhh!" makes his eyes fly right open.

He knows that giggle.

A knife stabs into his heart as he realizes Logan is inside that candle-lit tent, undoubtedly with Kendall. Who knows what they're doing, but whatever it is, James knows what Logan _wants_ to be doing.

He knows he shouldn't. He knows he should just lie here, or escape while he can before being discovered, but the temptation, the need to _know_, is just too great. He sneaks into the tent next to theirs and stands in the dark, listening.

"Shh! Quit squirming!" Kendall.

"Then stop tickling me!" Logan.

James falls into the chair next to him, head in his hands. It shouldn't matter, he shouldn't care, but he does.

"I'm not trying to tickle you! But if you don't stop moving, I'll never get it out."

_Oh God. I need to get out of here._

"Just hurry! Before it starts to hurt!" Logan.

"It's your own fault. I told you to keep your clothes on." Kendall.

"Oh, like I knew this was gonna happen. Ow! It's bleeding now!"

"Will you keep it down? Someone's gonna hear!"

"Just get it out already!"

And James can't take it anymore. This is just too much. He decides to escape, to run away and pretend he never heard any of this, but while his brain tells him to do one thing, his body turns toward the other tent and he whips the flaps open.

Kendall and Logan jump, startled and gasping, and James sees Logan's foot fall from Kendall's lap. Both are clothed, though, and Logan's foot is bleeding.

"James, what the fuck?" Kendall whispers, face red with annoyance. "You're gonna get us caught!"

"Well, you shouldn't be...it's after curfew and..." James glances down at Logan, who has lifted his foot onto his own lap. "Are you okay?"

"Stepped on glass. Some idiot had glass by the pool and it broke. Can't they read? No glass in the pool area. Morons."

"He'll be fine, as soon as we get this glass out and get it bandaged up. Can you help me get him up to the apartment? It'll be easier to see, and there are tweezers and Band-Aids up there."

"Uh...yeah. Sure." Feeling like a supreme jackass, James bends to take Logan on one side while Kendall takes the other, their arms crossing behind Logan's back.

"I can walk, guys," Logan argues.

"Shut up. Just lean on James and keep your foot off the ground," Kendall commands. "I've got your shoes."

Together they get Logan up to the apartment with no one spotting them and only a few drops of blood on the carpet. They steer him into the bathroom and Kendall takes charge, as always, making James feel like a spectator who's in the way.

He can't believe what he thought was going on. He honestly believed they were...that Logan and Kendall were...he can't even finish the thought. What scares him most isn't the idea that they were doing it, but his own reaction to the idea. The sheer jealousy and possessiveness that came over him at the thought of Logan with anyone else—friends don't get jealous like that.

_Congratulations, James. You've fallen in love with your best friend._

There's no doubt anymore. Tonight proved that to him. He wishes there was someone he could talk to, but nobody else would understand, except perhaps Logan.

And Logan's the last person he can talk to about this.

**XOXOXOXOXO**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This takes place sometime in the first season of the show. I tried to keep it in line with showverse, except for Camille. I love her and I love writing her, but she didn't fit into this, so she doesn't exist.

As always, a huge thank you to my writing buddy kathrynew30. She was my cheerleader and my sounding board for this, and I probably wouldn't even be writing again if it wasn't for her. I owe her a big hug when I see her again.

**XOXOXOXOXO**

The following day is more of the same. They spend the day rehearsing a new song Gustavo has written, and it's torture for James to watch Logan and Kendall cut up in the small booth, bodies touching because it's impossible for them not to.

He spent a long night tossing and turning in his bed, straining to hear any sounds from Logan's and Kendall's bedroom that might be suspect, and imagining plenty that made his stomach turn. He looks a mess the next morning, not even caring enough to use mousse or gel in his hair; he simply runs a comb through it.

Katie shakes her head when she spies James at the breakfast table, mouthing "Tell him!" James ignores her while Mrs. Knight asks if he's sure he's okay. "You look horrible, James! Like you haven't slept in weeks!"

James shrugs and reaches for the pancakes, which taste like cardboard. The other three seem to notice nothing amiss, which makes James feel even worse.

He devises a plan, though, while singing his heart out. As soon as he gets back upstairs, he's going to shower and put on his sexiest clothes, do up his hair, and find himself a date. A _girl_ date. Because if he can go out with a girl and enjoy himself, not care about Logan, then the problem will be solved. No gayness to worry about. And no Logan to care about. Maybe he's just spent so long without getting out and enjoying girls that he forgot how much fun it is!

A part of him wants to cry when he hears Logan and Kendall talking about their plans for the evening; once again, neither of them invited him or Carlos. He doesn't dwell on it, though. Two hours after leaving the studio, James is sitting at Funburger with a beautiful girl who finds him gorgeous and funny, and even a little smart with his talk of the phases of the moon. The date is going great. No question they'll end up at Make-out Mile before the night is through.

The problem is that James is bored. Bored with her, bored with this place, bored with everything about this date. He's been here numerous times with Logan and never once been bored. He remembers how he used to think Logan himself was boring. So much has changed since the move to Hollywood. He now sees what a treasure Logan truly is, and how lucky anyone would be to have him. He's fun to hang out with, he cooks, he takes care of you when you're sick, he...he...

_He appreciates how good I look._

And there it is. The list of what James wanted in a soulmate. It's all been right there in front of him, for months now. He had it and lost it.

The weight that settles on him tightens his chest until he can hardly breathe, makes it hard to swallow, as tears spring to his eyes.

_Holy shit. I had him. I had everything I wanted. It was Logan. Logan!_

"James, are you okay? You don't look so good."

"I...don't feel good. Sick. I need to go."

"Okay, can I help in any way? Get you anything?"

"No. I'll call a friend, I...need to go."

"Sure, okay. Want me to call—oh, wait. There's your friends. Maybe they can help!"

James spins around to follow her gaze, and there are Logan and Kendall, sliding into a booth, laughing as always. He feels faint as the mixture of panic and sadness crush him.

The girl—what is her name, anyway?-is rushing over to them, and James wants to stop her but he can't speak, can't even breathe. Soon enough Logan is there, kneeling next to him with a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, you okay? Look at me. You're so pale. Does your chest hurt at all? James, talk to me!"

There's terror in Logan's eyes, he's genuinely worried, and that counts for something, right? "Can't...breathe."

"Kendall, get his jacket."

The leather jacket is removed and it's a little better, but not much. "What's going on?" Logan's fingers are on his neck, pressing hard. "Tachycardia. Talk to me, James. Dizzy?"

"A little. Need to go. Home. Need to get home."

"But no pain? In your left arm or chest?"

"Dude, he's too young to have a heart attack!" Kendall argues.

"You're never too young!" Logan yells back. Now there is a small crowd gathering.

"No pain. Just...take me home, Logan." James is close to tears, and he knows when he looks back on this moment, the embarrassment will kill him.

"I gotcha, buddy. Come on." Logan pulls him up with difficulty, but Kendall is right there to help.

"What's wrong? Is he gonna be okay?" the girl asks, eyes wide.

"I think it's just a panic attack," Logan answers.

"I'm okay," James mumbles, attempting to push Kendall away, but Kendall doesn't move.

"We've got you. We're gonna get you home, okay?"

James wants to hate Kendall, but how can he? Kendall is his friend, Kendall cares, and he can't help it if Logan is in love with him. And truly, Kendall is a great guy. Not James' type, but James can see how Logan could fall for him. Maybe Logan just needs a take-charge kind of guy.

Logan has to drive them home, being the only one with a license at this point, but he makes Kendall sit in the back with James to watch over him. "I'm fine," James protests over and over, but his friends ignore him.

By the time they get back to the Palmwoods, James is able to breathe with no difficulty and his heart has stopped racing, though he's shaky and still a bit dizzy. Logan peppers him with more questions, finally nodding and pronouncing, "Panic attack. A pretty severe one, I'd say. Let's get you upstairs and then we'll talk."

But James has no intention of talking about it, about anything. Now that he's calmed down and his brain is functioning, an acceptance of everything has settled over him and he's almost numb.

_I love Logan. Logan loves Kendall. Kendall is good for Logan. I'll have to move on. And I'll survive._

When they get him to the apartment, James insists that he's tired and just wants to sleep. Logan argues that maybe it isn't the best idea, but Kendall comes to James' aid on that one. "You said it was just a panic attack. His body's tired. Let him rest."

"But a panic attack means something is wrong. He's upset about something, needs to talk it out."

"He'll talk when he's ready, Logan. Let him sleep."

"I'm fine," James adds. "Promise." He gives Logan a wan smile, his chest feeling tight for a moment as he spies Kendall standing just behind Logan, but then he lets it go.

"You sure? Alright, fine. But we're staying in tonight, Kendall. I want to be here in case it happens again."

"Fine with me," Kendall answers. "I'll just kick your ass at Foosball again."

"Oh, you wish." Logan shoves Kendall out of the room, then walks over to James. He bends down and brushes James' hair off his forehead. "You sure you're okay? You can talk to me, you know."

"I know," James answers softly, eyes closing because the tenderness in Logan's gaze makes his heart break. "I just need to rest."

"Okay. Call me if you need anything. I'll be right here."

James opens his eyes in time to see Logan's lips closing in on his forehead. His breath catches as a soft kiss is placed between his brows.

"Don't freak out," Logan whispers. "Just a friendly kiss because I'm worried and I care."

James has been told in the past that his acting stinks, but this time he gives a worthy performance and smiles as if his heart isn't shattering into a million pieces. "I know. Go kick his ass at Foosball for me."

"Deal." Logan grins and squeezes James' shoulder once before walking out of the room and closing the door, leaving it open just a crack, and then James breaks down and cries his heart out.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

An hour later there's a knock on the door. When James ignores it, the door swings open long enough to admit a small figure, who closes it behind herself. "Wake up, boob."

"Did you just call me 'boob'? I know your mother taught you to respect your elders."

"Yeah well, we know how that worked out." Katie takes a seat on the bed across from James', shoving a helmet out of her way. "I heard you had a panic attack."

James throws an arm over his eyes. "It was nothing."

"You need to just tell Logan how you feel."

_Oh, Katie. If you only knew the truth, you wouldn't say that._ But Katie is ten, she doesn't understand matters of the heart—no matter how old she acts. "It doesn't matter. Things will go back to the way they used to be, and we'll all be fine."

"Fine? You had a panic attack from bottling up your feelings. Things are not fine."

"Katie, it's okay. I know you're worried about me, but I promise. I'm over it."

"Your eyes are all red. You've been crying."

"I was _not_ crying." And how does she know this if his eyes are covered anyway?

"James...you don't always have to be a tough guy. Even Kendall cries sometimes."

"Okay, fine." James sits up, elbows on his knees, hands clasped between them as he meets her gaze. "I was crying. But it's done now. I got it all out, and I can move on. I'm over it."

"So you're gonna tell Logan?"

"There's nothing to tell. Like I said, things are back to the old way and I'll start doing the things I used to do, and everything will be fine."

"Really?"

"Really."

After studying him for a few moments, Katie finally nods. "Okay. But no more sitting around watching the History Channel. That stuff is depressing."

"I won't. Promise. I'm gonna get back out there and have some fun."

"Cool. There's a new girl that just moved here and I think she's your type."

_My type. Logan is my type. I was just too dumb to see it._ "Not sure I'm ready for that much fun just yet. Maybe I'll just...hang with some guys for a while, get my confidence back up."

"Whatever. But she's hot. I'll introduce you when you're ready."

"Thanks."

Katie surprises him by rushing him with a hug. "You really scared me."

"You weren't even there!"

"I saw you come in with the guys. You looked really sick."

"I'm fine."

"Okay. Don't scare me like that again, boob."

"Alright! And quit calling me 'boob'."

"See ya later, boob," Katie calls out as she leaves the room.

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

James' comment to Katie about hanging with some guys wasn't said arbitrarily. It occurred to him while crying it out that maybe girls just weren't his thing anymore, even without Logan in the picture. Could it be possible that he would enjoy other guys in a romantic sense?

The idea is ridiculous at first—he's never wanted a guy before, why would he now? Logan is different, Logan is his...well, no sense dwelling on that. But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that girls have always bored him. The chase was exciting, and knowing a girl found him hot was a turn-on, but did he ever really enjoy a girl's company? The truth is he always enjoyed hanging out with the guys more. Guys were fun. Guys were tough, you could wrestle with them and work out with them and play sports with them, and with girls? You were afraid to touch them because they might break. That always made James a bit nervous.

Also, the idea of a guy finding him hot? Wanting him? Now _that_ was a turn-on. A challenge of the highest order. Perhaps James needed to try dating guys for a while. See if that was more exciting, more his style.

Throughout the following week, James returns to his optimistic self, shielding his heart against the pain of seeing Kendall and Logan as best buddies again. He tells himself it doesn't matter what's going on between them, there are new avenues to explore and it's Logan's loss, anyway. Logan keeps a close eye on him, fearing James might have another "setback" of sorts, but every time he attempts to get James talking, James closes himself off and has to "be somewhere." The gym, the tanning salon, the studio...anywhere works, as long as it's not around Logan.

It's in the gym that he meets Ryan. Buff, tan, and every girl's dream, yet James notices that Ryan's attention seems to be fixed on guys mostly—especially James himself. When James pictures it, he can see himself kissing this guy, and the idea isn't horrible except in the way that Ryan isn't Logan; other than that, James is easily attracted to Ryan once he opens himself up to the idea. After three days of "chance" meetings in the gym and by the pool, as well as some heavy flirting, Ryan finally gets up the nerve to ask James to have dinner with him. With a huge grin, James accepts.

**XOXOXOXOXO**

Friday night, and James Diamond once again has a date. He takes special care when bathing, knowing his clothing will probably be ripped away at some point, so better to be extra clean—just in case. He's drying off when there's a pounding on the door.

"Dammit, James, why do you always do this when I have a date?"

His heart drops into his stomach. Kendall. Kendall fucking Knight has a date. This can't be happening, not tonight.

_Well, if I ignore it, maybe it'll go away._

More pounding on the door. "James, come on! I can't be late, this is my chance to get back with Jo!"

No. Not tonight. He's there, he's almost freaking _there_, about to move on, about to take that leap from shattered heart to mending. He just can't be there for Logan tonight, it would set him back so far.

"JAMES!"

"Alright, hold your horses! I'll be out in a minute! Fuck!" Wrapping the towel around his waist, James picks up his clothes and storms out of the bathroom, ignoring Kendall's annoyed glare and not even daring to look toward the kitchen or living room. The sight of Logan forlorn and depressed might undo him.

Once safe in the bedroom, he throws his dirty clothes onto the bed in a rage. It's not fair! Why does Kendall have to do this tonight? Why?

_You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm going out with Ryan. I'm going to have a good time. I'm not going to think about Logan. I'm going to see if I can kiss a guy and enjoy it. Fuck yes._

Thirty minutes later he's back in the bathroom, grateful that Kendall doesn't take much time to get ready. His hair is almost done when Logan wanders over, leaning against the doorjamb. "Hot date?"

How to answer that? The guys will probably find out he was with a dude. "Hanging with a friend," is what he settles on, avoiding Logan's gaze by checking himself in the mirror.

"Oh."

The hurt in Logan's voice is evident, probably because it's a friend rather than a date. Logan could've understood a date, but now it sounds like James has another friend, one he'd rather be with than Logan. _Well, too bad. You chose Kendall over me, so now we're even._ He fights the urge, but finally has to ask, "What are you doing tonight?"

"I was gonna tutor Carlos in math, but when Kendall said he was going out, I thought maybe you and I could hang."

That doesn't even make sense. What does Kendall being around have to do with whether or not Logan tutors Carlos? "Sorry. Already made plans."

"I see that. You're uh...taking a lot of care to hang out with a friend. Is it a female friend?"

"Nope. Just a guy I met at the gym."

"Oh. Well. Have fun, then." Logan turns away and heads back to the living room.

_Don't, James. Don't feel bad. He did this to you, it's only fair. Like Katie said, you should go out and have fun_.

James purposely doesn't look over at Logan and Carlos as he leaves the apartment, afraid to see the hurt in Logan's eyes.

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

Dinner is great, dessert is better, a trip up to Make-out Mile is best. Other than some pangs of heartache whenever James thinks about Logan, the night goes as well as James hopes. Ryan isn't Logan, but he's at least more exciting than girls have been, and James has no trouble imagining himself making out with Ryan at some point in the evening.

_Well, at least we have an answer to that question. I'm definitely gay._

What James doesn't expect is that driving down the dirt road brings back memories of the night he and Logan were there, the night Logan admitted his feelings for Kendall. He remembers teasing Logan about not jumping him- "unless you want me to." God, if only Logan had wanted him to, at any time over the past three months. Would it have made a difference? Probably not, since James didn't understand his own feelings until it was too late.

He remembers hugging Logan in the car, doing whatever he could to help Logan through the pain and embarrassment of coming to terms with the idea that Kendall would never think of him the way Logan wanted him to. The three months following that night had been amazing, James and Logan bonding and getting closer than he ever could have imagined, and then Kendall came and screwed it all up. _Damn you, Kendall. I might be up here with Logan right now if it wasn't for you._

And yet...it was Kendall coming back into their circle that caused James to face his feelings in the first place. Being without Logan made him realize how much Logan meant to him; thinking of Logan and Kendall as more than friends was what pulled the jealous rage into the open so that he could no longer ignore it.

_Still. Damn you, Kendall. For all of it._

So what if it wasn't fair to blame Kendall? It was easier than blaming himself.

"You okay? You look like you're lost somewhere in the clouds of your mind."

_Clouds of my mind?_ Maybe Ryan isn't the best guy for him. But he's here and he's hot, and James is determined to at least kiss a guy before the night is through. "I'm fine. Just thinking about how beautiful the view is. The stars, the water..."

"Yeah, but they're not as beautiful as you."

Okay, so that was cheesy, but it works to feed James' ego. With a grin, he leans in toward Ryan, who has already unbuckled his seatbelt, and Ryan scoots closer in order to kiss James. They both sigh into the kiss, having wanted this for days now, and James likes the feel of Ryan's hands in his hair. Rough and greedy, like his tongue is, and James isn't used to being manhandled, but he likes it.

_Oh yeah. Definitely gay. _

James frees himself from the seatbelt and twists his body around so he's facing Ryan, and Ryan takes that as an invitation to pull James closer. Ryan's hands are inside his shirt, rubbing up his back, and Ryan's tongue is in his mouth, and it's incredible, it's hot, it's exactly what James has been looking for, except for that one tiny thing.

It's not Logan.

_Fuck_.

James can't get Logan out of his head. He wants it to be Logan's hands on him, Logan's tongue caressing his, he wants to hear Logan make little sounds of need for him.

_It's too soon. I thought I was ready, but it's too soon. Damn you, Logan._

Ryan pulls back slowly. "What's wrong? I thought you wanted this."

James nods. "I did. I do. It's just..."

"What?"

"I'm in love with someone else. I thought I could do this. I'm sorry." And now James is crying. Crying! James Diamond does not cry in front of anyone. Yet he's sitting here blubbering in front of this big, sexy guy who wants to make out with him. "I hate him for this."

"Hey, come here. It's okay. James, come here."

James gives in, shuddering and shaking in the big, muscular arms surrounding him. "It's not fair. He loves someone else. Why doesn't he love me?"

"Because he's an idiot. I know how you feel, I went through the same thing. Best friend?"

James nods, and somewhere Ryan has come up with a tissue for him. He takes it and wipes his nose. "You'd better not ever tell anyone about this, or how horrible I look right now."

Ryan chuckles. "Of course not. It's that Logan guy, right?"

The crying stops immediately as James turns wide eyes on Ryan. "How do you know?"

"I asked around about you after I saw you for the first time. Everybody told me you were always hanging out with your band, especially Logan. Except I never saw you with Logan."

"That's because he's an idiot." After getting himself together, James adds, "And so am I. Because I didn't figure it out until it was too late."

"So he has a boyfriend now? Or a girlfriend?"

"No. But he dumped me for his old best friend when _that_ guy lost his girlfriend. Except now they're back together and Logan's sitting at home depressed because even I took off on him this time."

Ryan is quiet for a bit, finally giving James a tight squeeze before letting go and moving back to the driver's seat. "Let's get you home, then. Logan needs you."

"But that's the problem. He only needs me when Kendall's not around. Fuck that, I'm done being used."

"So you're gonna give up your friendship? Give up the chance to make him yours?"

"He doesn't love me. He loves Kendall."

"For now. Who's he gonna love a year from now when he finally wakes up and realizes you've been there all along?"

"I'm not waiting a year for him. No way. I happen to like kissing and making out."

"I'm just saying. Is he worth the wait?" Ryan starts up the car, gesturing for James to fasten his seatbelt in order to stop the annoying beeping.

"I..." James hadn't thought of it like that. "Of course he is. He's worth everything."

"So why make yourself suffer without him in the meantime? He's still your friend. You can build more memories along the way, so when it finally does happen, it'll be more meaningful."

"But what if it doesn't happen, Ryan? What if I spend my whole life chasing after him and it never goes anywhere? What if he never loves me?"

Ryan glances over at James, eyes roving from head to toe and back again. "Trust me, James. Nobody could resist you for long. You're too fucking gorgeous."

Maybe Ryan is smarter than he looks. James can't help but smile, thinking that no matter what happens after tonight, he'll never get tired of hearing that.

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit.

This takes place sometime in the first season of the show. I tried to keep it in line with showverse, except for Camille. I love her and I love writing her, but she didn't fit into this, so she doesn't exist.

As always, a huge thank you to my writing buddy **kathrynew30**. She was my cheerleader and my sounding board for this, and I probably wouldn't even be writing again if it wasn't for her. I owe her a big hug when I see her again.

ALSO! You can all thank **gleechild** for the fact that you're reading this today and not tomorrow. She gave me the motivation to post the last chapter now instead of later. :)

**XOXOXOXOXOXO**

Unsure what to expect when he walks through the door, James opens it slowly and glances around. At first the place seems deserted, but then he spies a glow coming from the dining area. Logan's laptop.

But why didn't Logan turn on any lights? James makes his way to the table, where Logan is intent on a video game. "Hey, it's dark in here."

"Huh? Oh." Logan saves his game and leans over to flip the switch, causing them both to blink a few times. "Whoa. It got dark around me and I didn't even notice."

"How long have you been sitting here?" James makes a detour to the kitchen for Oreos and milk, returning without plates or glasses. They can white-trash it tonight.

"I don't know. How long have you been gone?" Logan reaches for the milk carton and drinks from it.

"Dude! What are you doing? There are germs on that! My germs, in fact!"

Logan wipes his arm across his mouth after lowering the carton. "I know." He belches, then grins. "So how was your date?"

"Not exactly how I'd planned it. It started out okay, but then—wait. It wasn't a date. It was just-"

"A date. It's okay, James, I won't freak out if you're gay," Logan smirks.

"Have you been drinking? You're acting weird."

"I feel giddy. Probably from all the gaming. Haven't taken a break in hours."

Logan sat here all night playing a game. Alone. James lets out a huge sigh. "Logan, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For taking off like that. I should've stayed, made sure you were okay, I know how upset you were about Kendall and Jo, and I should've-"

"I wasn't upset about Kendall and Jo."

"Logan, it's me. I know how you feel about Kendall."

"No, you know how I _did_ feel about Kendall. Things change, James. I'm the one who convinced Kendall to try again with Jo."

James sits back in his chair, stunned. Surely he heard wrong.

Logan reaches for a cookie and bites into it, waiting for James to say something.

"You're saying you don't love him anymore?"

"Not like I did."

"When did that change?"

Logan shrugs, wiping cookie crumbs away with his hand. "Sometime when you and I were hanging out, I guess."

"And you're just now telling me this?"

Another shrug. "You never asked."

"How can you be so calm about this?"

"Why are you freaking out?"

"Because! Dammit, Logan! I thought you were heartbroken here, and you didn't even care that Kendall is with Jo again?"

"Is that why you came home early from your date? Because you thought I was heartbroken?" Logan is smiling again, and damned if it isn't a smug grin.

"Maybe. Maybe I was worried about you, okay? Maybe I couldn't stop thinking about you, about how sad you were when I left. Because Kendall was gone and suddenly you needed James again, good old James who's always there when you need him and even when you don't."

Logan stops chewing to stare at James, swallowing before he speaks. "Is that what you think? That I don't need you?"

"Not when Kendall's around, you don't. I might as well be invisible!"

"James," Logan says softly. "You're never invisible to me. How could you think that?"

"Because!" James explodes, and finally it's all coming out. He prays no one else is in the apartment to hear this but really he doesn't care at this point. He pushes himself up off the chair and towers over Logan. "You took him to the zoo after we made plans to go! You went everywhere with him and didn't even ask if I wanted to go! It was all about Kendall, because you love him so damn much and I'm nobody!"

"Are you serious? You think you're nobody? James, is that what the panic attack was about? Is that why...oh my God."

"Don't worry about it, I'm over it," James mumbles, but the truth is evident in his eyes.

"Oh, James. I'm so sorry. I thought you knew, I thought...I didn't invite you because I knew Kendall wouldn't talk if anyone else was around. Kendall was hurting, he was going through hell without Jo, and he needed a friend. No matter what you and I are, I'm still the best friend he has and I needed to be there for him. Not because I loved him, but because that's what friends do. That's what you did for me, right? When I was heartbroken over Kendall, you were there for me. Not because you were in love with me, but because you're my best friend. I needed to be there for him, too. And that's all it was, James! I swear! I thought you understood that!"

"But...you loved him!"

"Not by then! By then, my feelings for him had faded, because..."

James watches Logan struggle, watches the frustration mounting in Logan until Logan too has to stand and face him. "Because why?" James asks. "You realized you're not gay?"

Rather than answer, Logan counters with a question of his own. "When did you realize you were?"

"Were what?"

"Gay, James. I know you went out with a guy tonight. And it _was_ a date, don't lie to me. So when did you realize _you_ were gay?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!"

"No, it doesn't! Because my date was fucked up and I'm never gonna have what I want so I don't know why I even bothered! Fuck!"

"James. Hey."

"I'm going to bed."

Logan edges around the table, faster than James has ever seen him move, and suddenly Logan's hands are wrapped around his biceps. "James. What do you want?"

James looks away. "Doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," Logan whispers. "It matters to me because _you_ matter to me. You're my best friend. Nothing's gonna change that, unless...unless we become something else."

_Something else._ What else could they be? Friends, enemies...boyfriends. _We can be boyfriends. No one else will ever touch you._ And again, the idea of someone touching Logan rips James' heart out. He can't risk losing this again, even if he has to wait a year. Two years, even. Five. James blinks and gazes down at Logan, into those dark eyes that threaten to swallow him. "I'm stupid, okay? I ruined this."

"Ruined what?"

"Our friendship. I messed it up. I fell for you but it was too late and you were gone and-"

"You fell for me?" There's a twinkle in Logan's eyes.

"It's stupid, I know you think I'm some dumb Neanderthal kind of guy but I—"

"I'm proud of the fact that you used that word properly in a sentence. You do listen when I speak."

"Of course I do. Even when it's boring, I listen to every word, because it's you."

Again Logan is struggling, and James waits until he can bring himself to speak. "I stopped loving Kendall because I started loving you. Because you're everything I want. Kendall's great, but he doesn't need me. He takes care of himself. I need to be needed. I need to take care of someone. I need to be the smart one, just like you need to be the pretty one. I would never have imagined that you would be perfect for me, but...you are, James. You're everything I need. You make me laugh, and we always have fun together, and you let me cook for you and take care of you, and...you're so fucking gorgeous it takes my breath away sometimes."

If James wasn't so stunned by Logan's words, he would probably laugh because it's almost exactly what Ryan said earlier. Logan's use of the "F" word is a shock in itself, as Logan never resorts to what he considers "crude" language. But sometimes, James has told him, no other word will do. Apparently this is one of those times. He slides his hands up under Logan's arms, settling them on Logan's shoulders from behind. "You're not just saying that?"

"Why would I say something like that if it wasn't true?"

"Because you don't want to hurt me."

"James," Logan says softly. "I wouldn't lie about this. I only wish I'd know you were feeling like that, doubting everything. You mean so much to me. I didn't know I came so close to losing you. I can't ever lose you, okay?"

James' heart is thundering in his chest, but this isn't a panic attack. This is being on the verge of getting something you've wanted for what seems like ever. "Can I...Logan, please let me kiss you."

"Since when you do ask?"

"I just...don't want to mess this up anymore than I already have. This is too important."

"I'd say the only way you could mess this up right now would be to_ not_ kiss me."

This new assertive side of Logan is pretty damn hot. James still can't believe this is really happening, that Logan feels the same way, that Logan actually _wants_ to kiss him, and it doesn't sink in until Logan's lips are against his, until Logan is opening his mouth to James and pulling James down to his level for better access.

_He loves me. Not Kendall. Me. And he's mine. His chicken dinners, his lectures about the moon, his weird experiments with chemicals that I can't even pronounce—it's all mine. I even get his perfect lips and those hands that are running down my chest and closer to my-_ James suddenly pulls back with wide eyes. "Logan!"

"What? Just because I'm a nerd doesn't mean I have no libido. Most nerds are horny 24/7!"

"Really?" James asks with wide eyes.

"Of course. Everybody knows that."

"Well then. Carry on."

Yeah, this new side of Logan is definitely hot.

**XOXOXOXOXO**


End file.
